People worry about health at the wrong times, you ever notice that? ‘Ooh, there’s a hair in my food.’ You’re eating bacon — there’s a pig’s ass in your food.

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called – and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

I read that, apparently, 13% of young men living in rural America lose their virginity to livestock. That is not right — those poor cows. I’m thinking of starting the first annual ‘Take Back the Field’ rally. I’ve got some slogans for the cows, like, ‘Moo Means No!’ Or, ‘Hey, stop treating us like women and start treating us like pieces of meat!’

Page 10 of 11« First...91011