A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, “What are you going to do with all of those?”

The guy replies, “I taught my dog to swallow them, and now he s**ts in little plastic baggies!”

I never talk to our cat, and our cat certainly never talks to me. So I don’t know why my wife is compelled to put the cat on the phone when I call home, but I love my wife, so I will talk to the cat.

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chucky, wherever I go, Chucky goes.”

“I’m sorry sir.”, said the ticket agent, “We don’t allow animals in the theater.”

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
“Marge”, whispered Mildred.

“What”, said Marge.

“I think this guy next to me is a pervert.”, said Mildred.

“What makes you think that”, asked Marge.

“He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out”, whispered Mildred.

“Well, don’t worry about it”, said Marge, “At our age we’ve seen them all.”

“I thought so”, said Mildred, “But this one is eating my popcorn!”

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