A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”

The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”

With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”

We’re not lazy? We invented the drive-by shooting, ladies and gentlemen. We don’t have the common decency to beat someone with a stick or our bare hands. We’re gonna shoot them — but guess what? We’re not even gonna get out of the car and do it, for God’s sake. We’re not even gonna stop the car.

I was in the bank the other day. I was on line for about 45 minutes. I got bored. So, the guy standing in front of me — I just punched him in the back of the head. I said, ‘I’m sorry. I thought I knew you.’

So, I’m single. It’s weird ’cause always knew I was gonna die broke and alone. I just didn’t know I was gonna live that way, too.

So, I’ve been temping at the job that laid me off. And that’s awkward because everybody knows I got canned, and they think I’ve come back to shoot them.

The snake jumps up to bite him; he blocks it away. He looks up and he goes, ‘Oh, he’s grumpy today.’ Yeah, he’s grumpy because you’re banging him in the head with a stick. That’s the number one cause of grumpiness.

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