I was reading in the celebrity obituary column. It said the Guinness Book of World Records’ oldest living person had died. Carrie White died at the age of 118 years old. Last line of the obituary said, and I quote, ‘Cause of death has not yet been determined.’ Let me take a wild stab in the dark on this one — probably not crib death.

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk and stops inches from a shop window.

The driver said, “Look friend, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much.

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver; I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years.”

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school. She’s a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.

I especially hate people that have life-after-death experiences because they’re just so full of it, you know? ‘Oh, I had an accident, and then I was headed towards this bright white light.’ You know, the first thing an ambulance crew does when they find an unconscious victim? They shine something in your eye.

I watch Japanese animation, right? My mom’s like, ‘Dat Phan, you cannot watch cartoon — it’s too violent!’ This is the same woman that goes, like, ‘Dat Phan, if you don’t take out the trash now, I will kill you!’

You ever just been by a place and been like, ‘Man, if I went in there, I know I’d get laid’? I get that feeling all the time ’cause I live near a prison.

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