I especially hate people that have life-after-death experiences because they’re just so full of it, you know? ‘Oh, I had an accident, and then I was headed towards this bright white light.’ You know, the first thing an ambulance crew does when they find an unconscious victim? They shine something in your eye.

I watch Japanese animation, right? My mom’s like, ‘Dat Phan, you cannot watch cartoon — it’s too violent!’ This is the same woman that goes, like, ‘Dat Phan, if you don’t take out the trash now, I will kill you!’

You ever just been by a place and been like, ‘Man, if I went in there, I know I’d get laid’? I get that feeling all the time ’cause I live near a prison.

A lot of things can kill you now. Ain’t this ridiculous? Mosquitoes can kill you now. Do you know how mad I would be if I died from a mosquito bite? I’m a black man, grew up on the south side of Chicago. I’ve avoided drug dealers, gang bangers, sickle cell, high blood pressure, the police — and now a mosquito gonna take me out?

Q: What goes, “Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop…”

A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.

Lorraine dies suddenly.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

They all think they’re in a gang — in New Hampshire. They’re hanging out at the mall as if that were their ‘hood. I’m like, ‘Dude, you live in New Hampshire. How tough are you? Your ‘hood is a cul-de-sac between Happy Lane and Pleasant Street, pal. You and your homeboys are cruising for bitches in the backseat of mom’s minivan.’

It’s cool to be back in Cleveland. I lived in L.A. for eight years. I can’t tell you how cool it is to be able to go to the bank and make a deposit without body armor on.

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