A lot of things can kill you now. Ain’t this ridiculous? Mosquitoes can kill you now. Do you know how mad I would be if I died from a mosquito bite? I’m a black man, grew up on the south side of Chicago. I’ve avoided drug dealers, gang bangers, sickle cell, high blood pressure, the police — and now a mosquito gonna take me out?

Q: What goes, “Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop…”

A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.

Lorraine dies suddenly.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

They all think they’re in a gang — in New Hampshire. They’re hanging out at the mall as if that were their ‘hood. I’m like, ‘Dude, you live in New Hampshire. How tough are you? Your ‘hood is a cul-de-sac between Happy Lane and Pleasant Street, pal. You and your homeboys are cruising for bitches in the backseat of mom’s minivan.’

It’s cool to be back in Cleveland. I lived in L.A. for eight years. I can’t tell you how cool it is to be able to go to the bank and make a deposit without body armor on.

A few days after her husband’s death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.

The e-mail reads:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Q: What did one casket say to the sick casket?

A: “Is that you coughin’?”

I was watching Maury Povich the other day. He had these people on who say that they’ve had near death experiences. Do you ever notice they always say the same thing? ‘I remember seeing this really bright, white light.’ It’s like, of course, you pinhead, it’s the paramedic looking in your pupils with a penlight.

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