So, I’m single. It’s weird ’cause always knew I was gonna die broke and alone. I just didn’t know I was gonna live that way, too.

So, I’ve been temping at the job that laid me off. And that’s awkward because everybody knows I got canned, and they think I’ve come back to shoot them.

The snake jumps up to bite him; he blocks it away. He looks up and he goes, ‘Oh, he’s grumpy today.’ Yeah, he’s grumpy because you’re banging him in the head with a stick. That’s the number one cause of grumpiness.

They were tired because they had to go every day and clean up the grave, clean up condoms and beer cans and bottles, needles, trash all over the place. That’s what’s so cool — when you’re getting kicked out for partying, and you’ve been dead since 1971.

It’s never easy putting a pet to sleep. That’s why we say things like, ‘We decided to put Fluffy out of his misery.’ No, what you decided was that Fluffy’s company isn’t worth $500.

I moved here about 13 years ago from Seattle, Washington. I left a city that has a high suicide rate for a city that has a high homicide rate. I guess I’m just not a ‘do-it-yourself’ kind of person.

L.A. is very dangerous. I carry a gun in my car, that way, in case the police stop me, I can fend them off until the press gets there.

I think car horns should sound like gunshots ’cause the sound of a horn is not representin’ my road rage properly. I’ve never been angry with someone and had the urge to toot a trumpet.

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