A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”

The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So then, why are you telling me?”

“I’m telling everybody!”

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.

“Yes Dad, what is it?”

“Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…”

Did you hear about the new Jewish sports car?

Yeah it can stop on a dime and pick it up at the same time.

What do you call 1000 Jews on a train?

Anything you want, they are never coming back

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