A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, “Is this it?” God said, “No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live.” Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, “I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?” God replied, “Shirley! I didn’t recognize you!”
John, for heaven’s sake, why can’t you just talk to me once in awhile?” whined Mari.
“Huh?” John responded.
“Look around you!” she yells as she points around the room. “All these books. Your head is always buried in books. You don’t even know I’m alive!”
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“You know, sometimes I wish I were a book. Then you’d at least look at me.”
“Hmmm,” John mumbled in deep thought, “that’s not a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting.”
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says, “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies, “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”
“What dear?” She asked gently.
“I think you bring me bad luck.”
A Mallu had a party at his newly built house so that he could show his new house and decoration to all of them. A party goer: why have u built 3 swimming pool in ur house.
Mallu: One is hot water swimming pool and another is cold water swimming pool.Party goer: what about the third one which is empty.
Mallu: Sometimes u don’t feel like swimming. So I have kept it empty.
A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help.
He goes into the temple and begins to pray………..”Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lottery”
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
The Sardarji goes back to the temple…………….
“Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well”
“Lotto night comes and the Sardarji still has no luck!!
Back to the temple………………
“My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving.. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won’t you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and the Sardarji is confronted by the voice of Lord:
“SARDARJI, BUY THE DAMN TICKET FIRST”
Santa Singh is at the railway station. He asks a man “When will Rajdhani Express go from here?”
Man Replies 12.30.
“When will Deccan Queen go from here?”
Man Replies 11.30.
“When will Punjab Express go from here?”
Man Replies 10.30.
Santa singh goes on asking about all the trains.
Now the man gets fed up and asks whether he wants to go to punjab by train or not.
Santa replies, “No I just want to cross the tracks!”