Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused.

His mother was Jewish and his father was Hispanic.

So Johnny says, “Mum, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?”

“What does it really matter? You’ll just have to ask your father”, his mother tells him.

So Johnny’s father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question,

“Dad, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?”

“What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you’re more Jewish or more Hispanic?” asks his dad.

“Well, it’s like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don’t know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steel the fucking thing!”

Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, “Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?”

The Teacher says, “Of course not Johnny,”

To which Johnny replies, “Then I have definitely shit my pants then…”

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”

The policeman said, “What’s he like?”

Little Johnny replied, “Beer and women!”

Little Johnny was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.”

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”

The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework.”

“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.

“Yes,” he answered.

Infuriated, the called Little Johnny’s teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in class?”

The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”

The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four.”

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees.

She explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later, the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Johnny — at the back of the class — put his hand up and asks the teacher, “Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you’re getting

your birds mixed up.My big sister just got a little baby and she said it came from a black pecker at the beach!”

Teacher: “Johnny, write a sentence ending with the word hand.”

Johnny: “My penis in your hand.”

Teacher: “What?”

Johnny: “Sorry teacher, I forgot to put a space between pen is.”

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day.

The first one says, “My Daddy is so cool he can eat four Burgers at one meal.”

The second one says, “That’s nothing.

My Daddy can eat six.”

Little Jonny starts laughing and says, “My Daddy can eat light bulbs.”

The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind.

They ask him why he thinks His daddy can eat light bulbs.

Little Jonny replies, “Last night I was passing my parents room and my Daddy said, ‘Honey, turn out that light I want to eat that thing.'”

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

Her reply is, “Gentlemen don’t ask ladies that question.”

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again the mother’s reply is, “Gentlemen don’t ask ladies that question.”

The boy then asks, “Why did daddy leave you?”

To this, the mother says, “you shouldn’t ask that” and then sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother’s purse.

When he picks it up, her driver’s license falls out.

The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, “I know all about you now.

You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an ‘F’ in sex!!!”

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: “Can I see your dad?”

Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.”

Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?”

Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.”

Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?”

Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead.”

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