Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, “What are you doing?”

His father says, “We’re playing cards, and your mother is my wild card.”

A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, “What are you doing?”

His father says, “I’m playing cards.”

“Where’s your wild card?” Johnny asks.

His father replies, “Son, you don’t need one when you’ve got a good hand.”

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime — Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don’t you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel’s bigger?”

Johnny grins and says, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve made $20!”

Little Johnny’s first grade class was playing “Name That Animal.” The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, “What animal is this?”

“A cat!” said Suzy.

“Good job. Now, what’s this animal?”

“A dog!” said Ricky.

“Good. Now what animal is this?” she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, “It’s what your mom calls your dad.”

“I know!” called out Little Johnny. “A horny bastard!”

Little Johnny asks his father for a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny’s father says, “We have an $80,000 mortgage on the house, and I just got laid off! There won’t be a $200 bike this year.”

Two days later, Little Johnny walks out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asks him why he’s leaving.

Johnny says, “Early this morning, I was walking past your room, and I heard you tell Mommy that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and I’ll be damned if I’ll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!”

Little Johnny’s teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, “De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail.”

Teacher: “Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, ‘geometry.'”
Little Johnny: “A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, ‘Gee, I’m a tree.'”

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

“Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'”

A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word “fascinate” in it. A little girl says, “Walt Disney World is fascinating.”

The teacher says, “No, I said, ‘fascinate.'”

Another little girl says, “There’s so much fascination when it comes to sea life.”

The teacher again says, “No, the word is fascinate.”

Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, “My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt.”

The preschool teacher says, “We’re going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word ‘definitely’ in a sentence?”

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, “Me me me!”

The teacher says, “Go ahead, what’s the sentence?

Mary replies, “The sky is definitely blue.”

“That’s good, Mary,” says the teacher, “but the sky can also be gray or white.”

Sam raises his hand and states, “Grass is definitely green.”

The teacher says, “That’s good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too.”

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, “Do farts have lumps in them?”

The teacher says, “No Johnny, why do you ask that?”

Little Johnny replies, “Well, I definitely sh*t my pants.”

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