A girl tells her boyfriend:
– After our marriage I will let you kiss me where nobody else has kissed me.
– Where is that?
– In Hawaii.

A married couple come to the marriage counselor. The wife complains:
– We were having a perfect marriage until his girlfriend started dating my boyfriend..

Ladies, when you have a guy friend, and he’s a great guy, and you still won’t date him — do you know what that’s like for the guy? It’s like going on a job interview and having the guy say this to you: ‘Well, Mr. Perkins, wow! This a great resume. You have the experience we’ve been looking for. We love your attitude. You’re perfect for this job, and we’re not gonna hire you. No, no, we’ll probably hire someone who’s far less qualified and has a drinking problem. But this is a great resume. In fact, this is the resume we’re gonna use to judge all the other candidates. Now, we’re not gonna hire you — ever — but is it OK if we do call you every now and then to complain about the guy we do hire?’

Ladies, you know how you have that guy friend, that guy friend that you like a lot, a whole lot, but not ‘that way’? You have the friend, yeah? It’s wrong. Because if the guy hangs out with you, you know he likes you. I mean, why else would he put up with your talking?

The bill is clearly on my side of the table. It was as far as it could be on my side of the table without falling over. It was like she was playing table football, and she won.

I’m not frontin’. I’m trying to order the cheapest entree they had. If they had cardboard, I would have ordered that.

My parents have been together for over 40 years, y’all. Ain’t that something? That’s a long time. Yeah, they’re getting married next month, so we’re looking forward to that.

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