Before we got married, she was like a good health plan — I had full coverage, you know what I’m saying? Once we got married, she turned into a HMO, selective coverage. I’m like, ‘Hey, you keep this up, I’m going to have to go outside the network.’

I think your marriage license should be like your driver’s license: should have an expiration date on it. You should have to renew it every couple of years, and if you don’t renew it, it just run out.

Puerto Rican women love to argue, and they can argue really loud. We live in an apartment building, and when you live next to white people, you have to keep your arguments very low because they will call the police.

It’s 1957, and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Peggy Sue’s father answers the door and invites him in.

He asks Bobby what they’re planning to do on the date. Bobbytells him that they’ll probably go to the malt shop or a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Bobby is shocked. “Excuse me, sir?”

“Oh yes,” he replies. “Peggy Sue really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.”

Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.

About 20 minutes later, Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!”

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife.

She turns over and says, “I’m sorry, honey. I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. He asks, “Do you have a dentist appointment, too?”

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other naked for the first time.

The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, “I had tolio as a child.”

The wife asks if he means polio. He says, “No, it only affects the toes.”

He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, “I had kneesles, too.”

Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, “Oh no — smallcox, too!”

I thought it would be so easy to meet guys when I got out of college because it was very easy to meet guys in college. I mean, this was really all you had to do to meet some guy in college: ‘Oh my God, I am so wasted!’

Cosmo was my Bible. This is the advice they gave: they said women should put on wet underwear under their clothes because this will make your dress cling like skin. I tried that. I walked into a party with wetness seeping from my clothes. You think my date thought I was sexy? He said, ‘Oh my God. You sweat like a horse.’

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