Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to him and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan asked, “Aren’t you going to run?”

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

Satan asked, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”

I got a trophy wife. I know that’s not right to say, ’cause if you’re married that’s your trophy. I’m just saying not everybody got a first place trophy. Some people end up with a plaque. You marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon.

They say black makes you look thinner. Ladies know that secret, right? I think it’s true ’cause I always see fat white women with black boyfriends.

The dating game is like investing in the stock market. You’re brokers; you’re constantly investing time, energy, money — investing. You want to see return on your investment. Some of y’all out there are dating two or three different women. That’s like investing in mutual funds.

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

I tried to talk this girl into it. I was like, ‘Hey girl, let’s make one of those sex tapes.’ She’s like, ‘That sounds good, Dave. We just got to get somebody else to play your part.’

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