I don’t think she’s racist, but I think she’s old fashioned, you know? And she doesn’t know how to, like, talk about it with me. She’s like, ‘Dat Phan, you like the soup? Eat the soup. Right there. You like the soup? Why you date the white girl?’

Some people say the hardest job is marriage. Marriage is not a job; marriage is a hobby. Dating while you’re married — that’s a job. I don’t want to work that hard. I’m not looking for the overtime.

I’ve learned that being in a really committed relationship, it’s about compromise, but it’s also about knowing what you want and getting that out of it. Like, for instance, I’ve told her I can’t go through with the wedding unless our song is ‘The Monster Mash.’ And that’s gotten me out of a lot of planning I don’t want to do.

You New York chicks are high-maintenance… I’m not saying you’re not worth it, I’m saying I ain’t got it.

He sat me down, and he’s like, ‘OK, Dan, you’re going off to college. You’re going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So anyway, I got you something from the drug store.’ I’m like, ‘No, I know about condoms.’ He’s like, ‘No — anti-depressants.’

One of the things I was worried about: moving in with my wife. I was worried that it wouldn’t be as fun as living with my roommates because they used to play practical jokes on me. It was such a blast. But my wife is just as much fun. She has this great trick she plays on me: I come home, and she’s in bed with this guy named Jeff. I assume he’s an actor, just for the joke — and it’s great — I come in, and she’s like, ‘Oh my God, you’re home! What the hell are you doing here?’ And then I leave. She’s so funny. You guys don’t think she’s cheating on me do you?

I actually dated this one girl — she was a vegan — one time, we were simply ordering coffee at a diner, and she looked at me, right in the face, and she goes, ‘Oh, I don’t believe in sugar.’ Bitch, it exists!

The phone rings; she answers. The party on the other end hangs up. What the first thing y’all say, ladies? ‘That was your woman on the phone.’ Happened to me one day. I’m leaving home. My girl said, ‘Tell your bitch I said hello.’ I said, ‘Hello!’

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