My wife dresses up like a nurse; then, I dress up like a nurse, also. And then, we don’t even have sex, either — we just sit behind this huge, semicircular wooden desk and get annoyed when people buzz us for juice.

My wife and I just took out life insurance policies on one another, so now it’s just a waiting game…. Who’s gonna be the first to experience certainly tremendous sorrow, coupled with a sweet chunk of change?

When it comes to sex, I like to refer to my wife as Circuit City because she has no interest until January of next year.

A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

She answers, “Warming up your dinner.”

A Catholic, a Baptist and a Mormon are bragging about the size of their families.

“I have four boys, and my wife is expecting another,” says the Catholic. “One more son, and I’ll have a basketball team.”

“That’s nothing,” says the Baptist. “I have 10 boys now, and my wife is pregnant with another child. One more son, and I’ll have a football team.”

“That’s nothing,” says the Mormon. “I have 17 wives. One more wife, and I’ll have a golf course.”

Man: You’ve brought religion into my life.

Woman: Really? How?

Man: Until I met you, I didn’t believe in Hell.

Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog — at least he’ll quiet down after you let him in.

Surely, there must be a more dignified way to express your love and admiration for another human being — like baking them a cake or something, or just leaving them alone for a while.

I love college girls. The only girls I date in college, though, are sorority girls. Why? Because they’re dumb. You can trick them so easy. ‘I’m your boyfriend.’ ‘Oh my God! Let’s have sex!’

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