Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Isn’t it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage

Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Page 1 of 1212345...10...Last »