“Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them ‘anxious.’ And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them ‘Canadian.’”–Conan O’Brien

A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved 
matter,” in Klingon.

They don’t even have armed forces in Japan. Do you know this? They don’t have an army. They don’t have a navy. They don’t have an air force. That’s why, coincidentally, most monsters attack Japan first.

Remember when we were number one in sports? Remember those days? Did you watch the Olympics? We suck. What’d we win — one silver medal in dodgeball?

Anytime there was a problem in the world, we’d send troops. Now, anytime there’s a problem in the world, we send food. Problem in Bosnia, we send them food. Problem in Somalia, we send them food. Clinton’s like my mom.

If you’re in a Mexican prison, you’re gonna hit the books, learn some Spanish — because shower-time is coming up, and you’re gonna want to learn a few phrases, like ‘Don’t put that in there, please.’

Last time I was on JetBlue, there was a dude next to me who looked a little suspicious. I was nervous. He was watching a movie, though; so I’m thinking, ‘Would a hijacker watch a movie?’ Probably not, right?… But you know it’s a good movie if you land, and he’s like, ‘Oh my God, I forgot to hijack the plane.’

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