In this era of political correctness, you really have to watch what you say. I had an incident here in New York City on the subway. This black gentleman approached me really enthusiastically, and he asked, ‘Hey man, did the Yankees win?’ And I said, ‘Yeah — you’re free.’

We have all these Cuban refugees who swam here from Cuba. But how many Cubans are there on the U.S. swim team? It would be so easy — all you have to do is paint a picture of Florida on either side.

They should have locked up the Ramseys a long time ago. I don’t know if they actually had anything to do with the murder or not, but you should have locked them up for dressing that baby up like a whore in the first damn place.

Ten o’clock at night is when it hit me — that’s when I came to my senses and realized, even if God was going to end the world at the end of 2000, why would he do it on Pacific Coast Time?

Two immigrants arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between the Old Country and the U.S. One of them says that he’s heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they’re going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two ‘dogs.’ The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
“What part did you get?”

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer”s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren”t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.”

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”

The man replied, “You cannot do this — I’m a United States congressman!”

The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

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