I have a dog, you know? And I couldn’t even figure out what to name him, so I named him Bill Clinton. That way I could just blame him for stuff, you know? ‘Who knocked over the garbage?’ ‘Bill Clinton.’ ‘Who chewed up my work?’ ‘Oh, Bill Clinton.’ ‘Who soiled this perfectly good dress?’ ‘Bill Clinton.’

You know what kills me about Jennifer Lopez? The fact that this woman wakes up one day and she’s like, ‘You know what? From now on, I’d like people to call me J-Lo,’ and then they do it. Only a celebrity can get away with this. George Bush doesn’t come out for his morning press conferences: ‘From now on, I’d like to be referred to as G-Bu. Y’all know my vice president, Dog Chain.’

Don’t orange alert me. We don’t know what orange alert is. If you’re going to alert me, make me do stuff. ‘Lock your top lock’ — I’m all over that. ‘Fill your tub with water’ — excellent. But don’t mention duct tape to me, because that’s weird. That tells me you don’t know what’s going on.

You guys keeping up on that Jeffrey Dahmer thing, the guy that ate 17 people? You know, I could understand one or two, but 17 — you’re eating just to eat.

I don’t know what was wrong with my television last night, but I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station, and I actually bought a congressman.

When I was in high school, I was in the French club. We didn’t really do anything. Every once in a while, we’d surrender to the German club.

There are people starving to death all around the world, people waiting for a bag of flour to fall out of a helicopter. I’m sitting on the couch, scratching my nuts, going, ‘This is ridiculous. You know how many beers I’ve had to drink while I wait for this kid to show up?’

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