A woman come to a doctor, with bumps and bruising all over her body. The woman complains that it was her husband, who beat her. Doctor tells in surprise:
– I thought your husband was out of town.
– So did I..

Ladies, when you have a guy friend, and he’s a great guy, and you still won’t date him — do you know what that’s like for the guy? It’s like going on a job interview and having the guy say this to you: ‘Well, Mr. Perkins, wow! This a great resume. You have the experience we’ve been looking for. We love your attitude. You’re perfect for this job, and we’re not gonna hire you. No, no, we’ll probably hire someone who’s far less qualified and has a drinking problem. But this is a great resume. In fact, this is the resume we’re gonna use to judge all the other candidates. Now, we’re not gonna hire you — ever — but is it OK if we do call you every now and then to complain about the guy we do hire?’

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.

He replies, “Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days.”

A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand. “Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor.

“I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”

“‘What about the other ear and your hand?” the doctor asked.

She replied, “I tried to call for an ambulance.”

A blonde who really needed a job saw an ad in the newspaper for an opening job at an Elmo factory. She applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn’t want the job because it was so boring.

The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she really needed the money. Finally the manager hired her.

After a few hours, the manager noticed that the conveyer belt was backed up. He went downstairs to find out what was wrong.

He saw that the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager told her, “I said to give each Elmo two test tickles — not two testicles!”

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