A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every day.

One day he told her, “You have been with me through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were there. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you were there. You know what?”

“What is it, dear?” she asked.

He responded, “I think you bring me bad luck.”

Q: What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

A: They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re dead.

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.”
“Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, “What’s wrong?”

She says, “My mom died.”

He told her to go home, but she said, “No, I’ll be fine.”

Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, “What’s wrong?”

She replies, “I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!”

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?

Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I’ll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.

Q: What goes in hard and pink but comes out soft and mushy?

A: Bubblegum — and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Q: Why can’t a blonde dial 911?

A: She can’t find the eleven.

Q: What’s 72?

A: 69 with three people watching.

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