A little boy with two black eyes walks into church one Sunday. The priest notices him and is very concerned.

“What happened, my child?”

“I was singing in the choir, Father, and I noticed that the girl in front of me had a wedgie. So I pulled it out, and she punched me in the eye.”

“Okay. But how did you get the other black eye?”

“Well, I thought I’d done something wrong. So I put her wedgie back.”

My wife dresses up like a nurse; then, I dress up like a nurse, also. And then, we don’t even have sex, either — we just sit behind this huge, semicircular wooden desk and get annoyed when people buzz us for juice.

A woman tells her doctor, “My husband is 300% impotent.

The doctor asks her, “I’m not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?”

She replies, “Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger.”

Ted and Julie go to bed with each other for the first time.

Julie: “I should warn you, Ted: I’ve got acute angina.”

Ted: “Your breasts aren’t bad either.”

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