The phone rings; she answers. The party on the other end hangs up. What the first thing y’all say, ladies? ‘That was your woman on the phone.’ Happened to me one day. I’m leaving home. My girl said, ‘Tell your bitch I said hello.’ I said, ‘Hello!’

I’m like, ‘You wastin’ all this money on this woman. You can’t touch her; you can’t take her home — what are you gettin’ out of this?’ So, he try to tell me, like it’s logical: ‘Well, for me, strippers — they fulfill a fantasy.’ So I asked him, ‘Well, have you ever tried wavin’ that same three, four hundred dollars in front of your own woman?’ Oh, they quiet now. You put out $500, your girl gonna do some freaky things, trust me! Trust me! You won’t even recognize her… Not only will you get a fantasy, you might get some groceries, too.

I met a guy in a bar, which is generally not a good idea. That’s like going grocery shopping when you’re hungry and you bring home stuff that you don’t need.

I married a lawyer, which I know sounds very impressive. Every girl dreams, when they grow up, they’re gonna marry a doctor, marry a lawyer. But me, I had to marry the only lawyer in America with a conscience. I didn’t marry the cutthroat, ruthless, gimme-all-your-money lawyer. No, I married the pay-me-what-you-can-whenever-you-can-I-just-want-to-see-justice-served lawyer. I got so ripped off, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know what it’s like? It’s like I finally banged a rock star, but he’s with a Christian band.

I have a gay sister, which has been great for me ’cause my parents have now forgiven me everything. At this point, if I brought home a dwarf with a mohawk, six tattoos and a nose ring, as long as he has a penis, he can stay for dinner.

A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.

The Egyptian man says, “No, not worth it.”

The stranger says, “How about 20?”

The Egyptian man says, “No, not worth it.”

The stranger says, “How about 10?”

The Egyptian man says, “No, not worth it.”

The stranger says, “Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they’re not worth it?”

The Egyptian man says, “Oh, the pills are worth it — my wife isn’t.”

I never talk to our cat, and our cat certainly never talks to me. So I don’t know why my wife is compelled to put the cat on the phone when I call home, but I love my wife, so I will talk to the cat.

A friend of mine is 30 years old, and she’s marrying a guy who’s 19. I think it could work, yeah — and if they’re smart, they’ll plan the wedding around the same time as the prom and rent the one tux.

The interesting thing about our mix — being that I’m black and she’s Japanese — people say, ‘Y’all are gonna have some beautiful children.’ I guess. It could be, or they could just have short legs and long arms.

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