I married a lawyer, which I know sounds very impressive. Every girl dreams, when they grow up, they’re gonna marry a doctor, marry a lawyer. But me, I had to marry the only lawyer in America with a conscience. I didn’t marry the cutthroat, ruthless, gimme-all-your-money lawyer. No, I married the pay-me-what-you-can-whenever-you-can-I-just-want-to-see-justice-served lawyer. I got so ripped off, ladies and gentlemen. Do you know what it’s like? It’s like I finally banged a rock star, but he’s with a Christian band.

I have a gay sister, which has been great for me ’cause my parents have now forgiven me everything. At this point, if I brought home a dwarf with a mohawk, six tattoos and a nose ring, as long as he has a penis, he can stay for dinner.

A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds.

The Egyptian man says, “No, not worth it.”

The stranger says, “How about 20?”

The Egyptian man says, “No, not worth it.”

The stranger says, “How about 10?”

The Egyptian man says, “No, not worth it.”

The stranger says, “Listen, these pills cost $10 each in the U.S. How can you say they’re not worth it?”

The Egyptian man says, “Oh, the pills are worth it — my wife isn’t.”

I never talk to our cat, and our cat certainly never talks to me. So I don’t know why my wife is compelled to put the cat on the phone when I call home, but I love my wife, so I will talk to the cat.

A friend of mine is 30 years old, and she’s marrying a guy who’s 19. I think it could work, yeah — and if they’re smart, they’ll plan the wedding around the same time as the prom and rent the one tux.

The interesting thing about our mix — being that I’m black and she’s Japanese — people say, ‘Y’all are gonna have some beautiful children.’ I guess. It could be, or they could just have short legs and long arms.

I found out I cannot take my wife to a wedding that was better than ours. Oh man, we went to this real nice, fancy wedding — they had stuff like food.

A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.

Lorraine dies suddenly.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”

Three men discuss the Christmas presents they bought for their wives.

The first man says he bought his wife a vacation home in the Bahamas and one in Jamaica. “That way,” he explains, “if she doesn’t like one, she can use the other.”

The second man says he bought his wife a sports car and a limo for exactly the same reason.

The third man says, “I bought my wife a negligee and a vibrator. That way, if she doesn’t like the negligee, she can go screw herself.”

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