People always ask me that really romantic question: ‘Do you remember the precise moment you proposed to your wife?’ ‘Oh yeah, right after I got the test results.’

We all know that every man’s fantasy is to have a threesome. That’s every guy’s fantasy. Yeah, great — instead of one woman I can’t satisfy, now I have two.

When my last girlfriend wanted to get a little serious, I had to use the old wild stallion technique to get her back in. I said, ‘Baby, I’m like a wild stallion. You try to put a saddle on a wild stallion, he’ll run and he’ll run and run some more. But if you let a wild stallion run free, hey may come back to the barn.’ Yeah, she didn’t buy it either.

My ex-girlfriend called. She’s getting married; she called to tell me. Yeah, she called. She wanted closure. I said, ‘What part of us not talking the last year seemed open to you?’

I hear from one guy — who I don’t even think I’m seeing anymore — calls me out of the blue and then says, ‘It’s only been two weeks.’ I’m thinking, ‘Two weeks?! Do you know what that is in girl years? We’re talking six, seven, eight, nine years, hon.’

When do we put on the lingerie? Always at the beginning of the relationship — first couple of months, strutting around the bedroom wearing a teddy. Yeah, six months later, you’ve stopped shaving your legs and you look like a teddy.

At 18, I married a vacuum cleaner salesman with a lazy eye. Our wedding song was ‘Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad’ by Meatloaf.

Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, “I think I’m going to have a whisk.”

The groom broom says, “How can that be? We haven’t even swept together!”

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