At 18, I married a vacuum cleaner salesman with a lazy eye. Our wedding song was ‘Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad’ by Meatloaf.

Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom says to the groom broom, “I think I’m going to have a whisk.”

The groom broom says, “How can that be? We haven’t even swept together!”

In kindergarten, he had a little crush on his kindergarten teacher, which I think is normal. I think for just about everybody, at some point in your life, there’s one teacher you had a secret crush on. For me, it’s my wife’s aerobic teacher.

The day my little boy was born, a friend of mine called me because his little girl was born the day before. He goes, ‘Who knows? Maybe they’ll end up getting married.’ My little boy’s a day old. His little girl’s two days old. He’s not gonna marry someone twice his age.

The other day, my little boy talked back to my wife. She told him to do something; he said, ‘No, I don’t want to.’ So, I had to pull him aside and say, ‘Listen — you gotta teach me how to do that.’

When she was pregnant, she would get these cravings in the middle of the night. She would get these cravings for other men.

She admitted to me recently that when she first met me, she didn’t really like me very much. But luckily for me, she really wanted to stay in this country.

Having dinner last night, my six-year-old turned to me and said, ‘Dad, when I grow up, I’m gonna marry you.’ We laughed about it. My wife said, ‘Don’t make the same mistakes I did.’

You can tell I’ve been married for a while. Went to the doctor’s last week, he said, ‘Have you had sex in the last seven days?’ And I said, ‘No, my birthday’s in April.’

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