Yo mama is so fat when she got on the scale it said, “I need your weight not your phone number.”

Wife calls her husband and says, “Darling, the car is broken, it won’t start.”

“What?! It’s in perfect order, what’s wrong with it?”

“It’s water in the carburetor, love.”

“Oh no, where are you right now?”

“Um, in the little lake behind the house…”

Team work is important; it helps to put the blame on someone else.

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair,

“Do you have any last requests?”

“Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

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