SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.

Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?

Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.

Me: What is a vowel?

Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …

Me: Close enough.

“Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them ‘anxious.’ And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them ‘Canadian.’”–Conan O’Brien

A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved 
matter,” in Klingon.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera

1 Little * Star * On The Top Of The Tréè
2 Little Presents Underneath For Mé
3 Silver Ropes Twisted Around The Tréè
4 Colored Light Shining Prettily,
5 Shining Halls Flowing Silvery.
Oh, What A Sight For Use To Séè.
Wish You A Merry Christmas..

Ònè X’mas Tréè!
Óné Lakh Càndlès!
Ònè Cròre Bàlòòns!
Ónè Milliòn Stàrs!
Óné Billiòn Wishès!&
Òne Heàrty Prayer!
Hàppy X-màs.

Mày Úr Christmas timè bè bright
from d mòmènt it starts,
With màny wòndèrful things
thàt brings jòy 2 yòur heàrt,
& mày èach day, thròughòut d yèar,
Bring èven mòre gladnèss & chèer.
Mèrry Christmàs & à Hàppy Nèw Yèar!

Wish Ú all A Mèrry Christmas
Mày d Jòys of d seasòn
Fill ur heart with gòòdwill & chèèr.
Mày d chimes of Christmas glòry
Ádd up mòre shine & spread
Smiles acròss the miles
´’ * ‘ ´Tòday & In d Nèw Yèar ´’ * ‘´

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