A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ”Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.”

”I still don’t get it” responded the Little Johnny.

”Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad.

”Okay then…good night” said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ”OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!”

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every day.

One day he told her, “You have been with me through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were there. When we lost the house, you were there. When my health started failing, you were there. You know what?”

“What is it, dear?” she asked.

He responded, “I think you bring me bad luck.”

Q: What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

A: They’re both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you’re dead.

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.”
“Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, “What’s wrong?”

She says, “My mom died.”

He told her to go home, but she said, “No, I’ll be fine.”

Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, “What’s wrong?”

She replies, “I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!”

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight?

Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I’ll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.

Q: What goes in hard and pink but comes out soft and mushy?

A: Bubblegum — and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Q: Why can’t a blonde dial 911?

A: She can’t find the eleven.

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